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Sunday, June 5th, 2005
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5:05 pm - FYI : Why I wasn't at C-ACE
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I figured I'd post here if anyone was wondering why they didn't see me when I said I'd be there.
For starters I knew I coudln't make it sunday, I had to work and couldn't get out of it, I figured no big deal, still 2 other days.
But then I got in an argument with my EX Melissa, though that still didn't discourage me that much anyways, I wassn't planning on spending too much time with her there anyways. Then when Abbie came home she told me she wassn't feeling good and didn't want to go, so I figured well spend the day with her make her feel better and go over tomorow, not much gos on on the first day anyways. Then I got a call from Viper and Aurora (whom I was to be sharing a room with) They sounded mighty pissed off that I wassn't there when they expected me to be, I reasured them that yes I would be there tomorow and yes I would pay my share of the room. This discouraged me a bit, I didn't really want to spend the weekend with someone who was cranky. Then when I was in the shower Abbie took another call from Viper telling us that we had been replaced and not to bother. Well it was clear I was not wanted and after another couple unanswered called to his cell I dicided why go if people wre going to be bitchy with me and didn't want to see me.
In the end I had a wonderful weekend with my girlfriend and I hope you all had a great time too.
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| Thursday, December 30th, 2004
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5:25 pm - OFFLINE
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hey everyone I wont be online for a while, if you wanna get ahold of me feel free to call me, if you dont have my number ask someone who dose ;)
take care
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| Sunday, December 19th, 2004
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2:24 pm - Whats the POINT?
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What is the point?
Whats the fucking point of it all?
What the hell am I suposed to be doing and why amI here with thies people?
Why do I bother?
current mood:  Discouraged
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| Friday, December 10th, 2004
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11:52 am - New picture
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*giggles* uploaded a new LJ piccie
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| Wednesday, December 8th, 2004
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4:50 am - At work and bored
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Im feeling cruddy and discouraged, all around me I see people I dont relate to. People I dont understand and frankly in some cases I feel they are inferior to me. I dont feel I belong, I feel out of place and I really dont liek the world I live in, it duzznt feel right to me, in fact it feels very wrong. Oh sure there are things I enjoy and people whos company I enjoy, but on the whole I feel the world sucks, and I dont fit in. I dont feel apreciated or understood, not that I compleatly understand myself. I feel im special though, really special I just wish I could point at something and say "See, im unique and special and all in a good way" and people would look and agree and not treat me like im dirt under thier fingernails or something. Instead im afraid to show people that im unique because I fear their reaction. People dont like people who are diferent, oh yes in our day and age we have come to be 'accepting' of many diferences. But im not really worried about being burned at the stake or stoned to death or enslaved. im worried about getting wierd looks, being judged, being rejected, being abandoned, being forgoten, or betrayed, or just plain feeling left out and alone. And thats the way I feel at times, I try to ignore it, get over it, find ways around it, whatever I can do. But its there stairing me in the face. I dont even know what I could do about it, or what I should do. *shrugs and shakes his head* I dunno, im becoming more and more jaded, cynical and apathetic. I dont like that or want it. I wanted to be loving and loved, jovial and an important part of something important. I feel let down, I feel hopeless, I feel like theres nothing I can do to change my fate or the fate of others. Like I can choose between I meaningless unhappy careeer in field A or a meaningless unhappy career in field B. I can choose if I so wish to try deperatly to spawn and insure that my genetic material will live on after I cease to exist. In the mean time feel aukward and unhappy. If your unsatisfied with this feel free to email our complaints department at Nobodygivesafuck@lifesabitch.com
anyways, I gotta get back to my meaningless job, take caer, thanks for reading.
current mood:  sore
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| Saturday, December 4th, 2004
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4:09 am - Bored and loenly, have a helping of Quizes
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 | You scored as Drunk Cat. Put down the bottle, Cheech. Sign up for some AA classes and drink a glass of water. Bars are ok once in a while, but you shouldn't be sleeping at them.
Drunk Cat | | 100% | Pissed at the World Cat | | 67% | Love Machine Cat | | 67% | Derranged Cat | | 58% | Couch Potato Cat | | 50% | Ninja Cat | | 50% | Nerd Cat | | 25% | </td>
Which Absurd Cat are you?
created with QuizFarm.com |
 | You scored as Thundercats. This is the baddest bunch of pussies that ever walked the planet. Just don't ever ask to be their barber.
Thundercats | | 83% | Strawberry Shortcake | | 75% | Heman | | 75% | Shera | | 67% | Transformers | | 58% | Voltron | | 50% | Smurf | | 33% | </td>
Which 1980's Cartoon Character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com |
table border='0' cellpadding='5' cellspacing='0' width='600'><tr><td> </td><td> You scored as Werewolf. You are a werewolf. You hunt and live by the phases of the moon. Or maybe it's just PMS.
Werewolf | | 95% | Alien | | 75% | Vampire | | 65% | Banshee | | 40% | Zombie | | 35% | </td></tr>
Which Supernatural Beastie Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com</table>
| You scored as Dirty Hippie. You listen to Phish, wear patchwork clothes and smell like poo. You are definately a hippie. Sometimes people piss you off when they liter or cut down trees, but all you can really do is show people you love them. Love will make everything better. If that doesn't work, smoke some pot.
Dirty Hippie | | 68% | Fascist Dictator | | 68% | No good dirty poop eater | | 50% | Pop Star Princess | | 32% | Baby Jesus Lover | | 29% | </td>
What kind of human are you?
created with QuizFarm.com |
IM A HIPPY AND A FASCIST AT THE SAME TIME???
okay im bored now, no more quizes
current mood:  crappy
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1:43 am - Concusion
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I've got some time on my hand so I figured this might be a good time to come back to good ol LJ. And I apologize if my spelling is even worse than normal.
So I was at work last night, I think it was anyways, yes it was cuz its the 4th now though early in the morning and it was the 3rd then though i guess it wassnt really night so much as before dawn. I've been working overnights as a security guard lately for those of you who didnt know. I was doing my patrol and we have to patrol all the mehcanical rooms in the building and I was in a hurry, I went to duck under some piping or machinry or someting and I misjudged it. I must have been going pretty fast because the next thing I knew I was on my back and in a lot of pain. So after calling my work they got someone over to replace me and sent me to the hosiptal, I waited there till morning (I hit my head around 3:30) around 8 I think I got a 'CAT' scan and they said I only had a consussion and sent me home. ONLY! Jeez, I ONLY had random waves of nausia and extreem pain! I ONLY thought it was 1994. *sighs and shakes his head* so anyways I get to go back to work on sunday and I get paid for my time off thankfully. The nausia is mostly gone and the pain isnt so bad anymore. I still have this dazed surreal feelign though and I have trouble consetrating, the Doc said I should be fine in a couple days. I hope so.
So yeah thats my head injury, life sucks..
current mood:  annoyed
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| Friday, November 26th, 2004
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1:29 am - I ROCK
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 | You scored as The Dragon Clan. You are a member of the Dragon Clan! People find you strange, and don't really understand you, but that's because you see things from a unique perspective. You stand back and let others find out things by themselves, and perhaps give a friendly nudge once in a while to get them in the right direction.
The Dragon Clan | | 89% | The Scorpion Clan | | 83% | The Unicorn Clan | | 72% | The Crane Clan | | 72% | The Crab Clan | | 72% | Ronin | | 67% | The Mantis Clan | | 61% | The Phoenix Clan | | 61% | The Lion Clan | | 50% | </td>
What Legends of the Five Rings Clan are you?
created with QuizFarm.com |
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| Tuesday, October 26th, 2004
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2:27 am
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Im angry and I have a headach.
Im pissed, im pissed at the world, im frustraited with my life. Im angry that I dont feel I can express myself without fear of being judge or upsetting people. I want thing to be easier for me, I want to have some support, I want to feel I have something to fall back on. I know the world owes me nothing.I just... I want to be held and cuddled and kissed and tolded im loved and that its gonna be ok, just for a bit, I just want a few minutes of peace of mind, I just fucking well.. I want to scream... I want to cry... I want a shoulder to cry on. Im tired of being strong. Im tired of making due. Im tired of giving everything I got only to find out I got nothing.
I just want Abbie to come back online and forgive me and tell me she loves me...
But thats not going to happen.
God I hate fights.
okay heres the plan, go to bed, get up at 6:30 shower, shave, dress, make lunch, grab a bite to eat and maybe call the woman I am hoplessly head over heels with and ask her if I can still come over tonight, if I have time, I shold leave by 7:10 or 7:20 I think I need to by at southkeys by 7:35, I'll go to my god damd training and pulll through, maybe get some cafeen to make it through the day... *sighs*
God whats wrong with me? why do I have this empty burning feeling in my chest? why do I feel so bad? Why did I snap at her? Why was I so demanding? and Why God Why cant I help her? I want to help her, but I cant.. I feel like I cant do anything for her, I cant even cheer her up. I feel useless.
I want to die.
FUCK YOU DAMMIT! Why couldn't it have been easy? or at least not a fuckign uphill battle in knee deep snow in a blizzard?
Thow me a fucking bone...
please?
Just... please make it work out... make her not hate me?
please God let it be ok?
Please?
current mood: angry
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| Saturday, October 23rd, 2004
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6:41 pm
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*sighs and looks for hugs*
well good news is it looks like I have a job with securitas.
the bad news is i am tired and stressed and Abbie is tired and stressed and sad and I dont know what *sighs and grumbles* I cant think strait, I dont know what to do or who to talk to.
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| Saturday, October 16th, 2004
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10:06 pm - Good Book
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So I was talking with my mom about stuff, lots of gossiping and talking about people I know and thier problems, and she got out her library of books on surviving sexual abuse, lotsa BIGASS daunting looking books, said I could lend one of them to someone if I felt she would benifit from it, I told her I wassn't sure if she would read it, but I would talk to her about it. I saw a something in the pile that caught my eye though. It was a nice slim looking book called Adult Children of Abusive Parents: a healing program for those who have been physically sexualy, or emotionally abused. I know sounds liek a long title but the book actualy looks fairly inviting so I picked it up and started reading it and it starts out really nicely, the author talking about his expiriance growing up in an abusive household, he talks about some of his patents and how the abuse they suffered in childhood was ruining thier adult lives, making them feel stressed and isolated, alone and stuff like that. He talks about how all abuse is emotional abuse, because the scars that last arn't the physical ones its the psycological ones, and he talks about the cycle that a lot of parents (who they themselves have suffered child abuse) fall into, abusing thier children and/or spouses sometimes whithout even thinking about it.
and hes just starting to get into the actual healing process in the part where I'm at. Yes I know I kinda couldn't put it down after I started reading, Im a good chunk into it. Anyways Its a good read, I sugest it for any of you who feel lost and alone and feel they were wronged or misunderstood or just not loved enough as a child.
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3:50 am - Update (please read my LJ?)
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Well I DLed a lot of good music but GOD is it depressing
Mandy
Maggie May
Angie
Train in Vain
Tainted love
See a patern? all songs about failed love. :(
Of course theres a few others in my list but when I stoped and actualy looked at it is it no wonder Im depressed when every second song I listen to is about failed love atempts?
anyways in addition to that I have been giving out resumes and so far the count is at two interviews zero jobs and one very useless job councellor
Oh yeah and my little brother is throwing fits left and right about anything, my mom is uber stressed out and is only just realizeing she has to not let him have his way when he dose that, she tells me she needs me to help more around the house and she makes me feel like a burden to her. She seems pretty frazzled herself, once or twice she started nagging at me and I had to stop and ask her where she was going and she couldn't remember.
Oh yeah and Im afraid to go to bed again, God I hate that, hard to do anything when your sleep deprived.
How the hell am I suposed to focus on the things that really matter with all this shit going on?
speaking of things that matter Im real worried about my koala, shes in a lot of pain and I have a bad feeling about this, Im going to ask her to go to the doctor. (for thoses of you who DONT know my dear girlfriend is Abbie and her LJ handle is Chitterbug, she wrote about why shes in pain in her own jurnal if you want the details.)
Uhm what else...?
Uhm.. I just want things to go right? please??
aww FUCK I just riped a biggass hole in the seat of my pants sitting down, the pocket got caught on the arm of the chair.. well that just
puts a lovely end to a lovely day so much for things being easy on me.
heres some Quizes:
You're Alice's Adventures in Wonderland!
by Lewis Carroll
After stumbling down the wrong turn in life, you've had your mind
opened to a number of strange and curious things. As life grows curiouser and curiouser,
you have to ask yourself what's real and what's the picture of illusion. Little is coming
to your aid in discerning fantasy from fact, but the line between them is so blurry that
it's starting not to matter. Be careful around rabbit holes and those who smile to much,
and just avoid hat shops altogether.
Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
You're Egypt!
Curator of ancient mystical secrets, your life on the surface is fairly
typical these days. Though you are in denial about more things than most people.
Nevertheless, you're trying to convince people that you're safe despite your more
volatile and unstable times that seem to be behind you. You like cats a whole lot.
You'd probably really appreciate The Blue
Pyramid.
Take
the Country Quiz at the Blue Pyramid
"Your Cleopatra baby! The Queen of 'Da Nile'"
current mood:  exhausted
current music: silence, please make the songs go away!!
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| Thursday, October 14th, 2004
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4:07 am - No perfect love
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I am slowly comming to the realization that I will never feel that one perfect moment of joy that has been advertized to me all my life. That one true love I felt in my heart of hearts I would one day atain. The unicorn, the unspoken legend, I will never have this. You wont ither mind you, none of us will. We probably wont even feel compleat once we die. We... I am a peice of a puzzle lost in the wrong box, I will never fit, never belong. I will never rise to the hights that I see the eagles soar at. Everything I ever feel, everything I ever expiriance or create will be imperfect. There is no oneness, no whole, no perfection, no bliss. Scary isn't it? or perhaps you arn't understanding what im saying, or maybe you don't beleave me? in anycase i think its true, there is no perfect happyness, no one moment where everything falls into place and your life is right. nope. just lots of little artsy imperfect moments. So what the fuck am I suposed to do with that? Whats the point of doing anything if you know it wont turn out the way you want it, whats the point of living if you can never be truely happy? I guess thats not what life is about. Maybe its about trying, or the little moments, maybe its all just one big Jazz tune, no right or wrong answers, not the destination that matters but the jurney.
Chew on that for a while.
Tell me what you think of the game?
current mood:  indescribable
current music: Mandy
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| Sunday, October 10th, 2004
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1:01 am - New Ferret!
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Today I am turnging over a new leaf, there is a new me, tomorow is the first day of the rest of my life, and all thoses other cleches.
I have realized (as some have told me before) that I care too much about what other people think of me. I try too hard to be liked and to be a nice guy, to be someone who comes across as sweet, careing, cute, nontretening, likeable and loveable and all those other things, and not to say that Im not those but Im more than that a lot more. And I don't want to wear a metaporical mask to try and make people like me, thats a a whole lot of bullshit. As I said im more than that, I am inteligent, and logical, and cynical, pesimistic, demanding, im sexual, and angry, and manipulative, domminant, submissive too at times, im lots of things and I think im going to explore the rest of myself with the world instead of just showing people the part of me that i thikn they will like. How exactly im going to start doing this im not quite sure, but I plan to make an active effort to be me if you will. I think thats a start and I think being more open with my feelings is a good idea too, not supressing things and when I want something, I will do what I can to atchive it. Thats the plan anyways, and you might not notice much of a diference to be honest, exept my being in a better mood more of the time.
Hmm I think I ran out of steam.. hehe well.
Oh.. yeah also Ive been thinking of posting about sexual stuff like some people do in thier LJs, up untill now I have been kinda shy about it but im a very sexual creature and I like to share, just wondering, wold any of you read it?
current mood:  content
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| Thursday, September 30th, 2004
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3:16 pm - Blarg
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Man,
Im bored, and jobless, and broke, and my computer needs to be reformated, nothing works. My life is at a stand still right now and I don't really know where to go with it. Im pretty sure I don't want to go back to some stessfull 'working for the man' 'joe job', but what else can I do? I don't really see anyone handing out creative, fullfilling, progrerssive jobs where people treat you with respect. Nope not even sure what that would be. Not that a job matters much in the long run but its the way to get cash, and cash is your mode of transportation in this system, its what gets you places and takes you where you wanna be. I guess? I just feel like im waisting my life right now, I feel like I should be doing something more, I feel like a mooch and I don't wanna be one. I don't want to be a drain on my friends and loved ones.
I feel like im a burden to Abbie sometimes, I love her so much, I want to offer her something, give her something better and I dunno, no matter what I do I never feel like its enough, like im not worthy of her love and companionship. I want to give her a better life, one where she wont feel so stressed and afraid or overwhelmed, I dont know how though...
I feel so useless.
I mean FUCK! Im suposed to be this great inteligent creative telented person or someting! Why the hell am I 20 and jobless living with my mom?
Why do I feel like some looser?
Eh maybe my dad was write maybe Im a born looser just like him...
current mood:  bored
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| Friday, September 24th, 2004
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3:00 pm - Might have a job soon
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I might be getting a job soon, I had an interview at the Pizzapizza call center the other day, it sounds like I'll probably get the job, But im stressed out about that because everytime I get a job I cant hack it and I get compleatly depressed. :(
I dont want to get all depressed again.
current mood:  stressed
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| Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
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6:28 pm
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table style='font-family : Arial, Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; border-collapse: collapse; border: 1px solid black;' cellspacing='0' cellpadding='2' align='center'></table>
You are the Moon card. Entering the Moon we enter
the intuitive and psychic realms. This is the
stuff dreams are made on. And like dreams the
imagery we find here may inspire us or torment
us. Understanding the moon requires looking
within. Our own bodily rhythms are echoed in
this luminary that circles the earth every
month and reflects the sun in its progress.
Listening to those rhythms may produce visions
and lead you towards insight. The Moon is a
force that has legends attached to it. It
carries with it both romance and insanity.
Moonlight reveals itself as an illusion and it
is only those willing to work with the force of
dreams that are able to withstand this
reflective light. Image from: Stevee Postman.
http://www.stevee.com/
Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are a Romero Zombie.You walk the earth because
there is no more room in hell. You feed on
living flesh - anything you can get your
decaying hands on. You can be killed by damage
to your rotting brain.
What kind of Zombie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
I would have put more quizes but it seems that people dont make decent quizes anymore its all crap and chose your own adventure stories or somehing odd like that.
current mood: peaceful
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| Tuesday, September 14th, 2004
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12:24 pm - I love the clash
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Say you stand by your man
Tell me something I don’t understand
You said you love me and that’s a fact
Then you left me, said you felt trapped
Well some things you can explain away
But my heartache’s in me till this day
Chorus
Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Did you stand by me
No way
All the times
When we were close
I’ll remember these things the most
I see all my dreams come tumbling down
I won’t be happy without you around
So all alone I keep the wolves at bay
There is only one thing that I can say
Chorus
You must explain why this must be
Did you lie when you spoke to me
Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Now I got a job
But it don’t pay
I need new clothes
I need somewhere to stay
But without all these things I can do
But without your love I won’t make it through
But you don’t understand my point of view
I suppose there’s nothing I can do
Chorus
You must explain why this must be
Did you lie when you spoke to me?
Did you stand by me
Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Did you stand by me
No way
Did you stand by me
No, not at all
Did you stand by me
No way
current mood:  depressed
current music: Train in Vain, The Calling, off the London Calling wrecord
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9:40 am - I need a good snuggle. :(
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Im cold n bored and I don't wanna work, I just wanna curl up with someone warm and nap happily all day.
Why's Abbie gotta live at the other end of town? *sigh and pout*
I think she might be gettng tired of my calling her like 3 times a day though. :(
shes a tough one to undertand at times, she duzzn't always speak her mind or say what she wants shes too polite, so its pretty hard to know how shereally feels sometimes.
current mood: lonely
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9:39 am - Arrr!
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snowferret's journal
